Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Because I think of you often.

The month of July has for the past eight years felt like a roller coaster of emotions. I jump for joy with the kids when they are off school. With the sunshine comes some extra happiness , especially when it is not too hot and humid and paired with being off work. I get excited to go new places and try new things. All of which makes me think of my brother. I think summer was his favorite season. Maybe this is why the month of July is the month in which he died. Certainly as the anniversary of his death approaches it makes me think of him more and more, but I wanted a page that reflected the truth that he is always with me in my heart, and that I think of him often.

Journalling reads.

I often find myself thinking about what it would be like if you were still here. Living. I wonder if you would have a family of your own. I wonder what you would be doing with your life. I wonder what kind of relationship you would have with my children. With me. Would we still fight like cats and dogs? Would we still talk till the wee hours of the morning about everything and anything?

I often find myself thinking about the past. Our childhood, our teenage years, and finally the few years we shared as adults. I find myself clinging to memories wondering at times if they are truths to our past or figments of my imagination. Were the tea parties and water fights real. Did you really torment me when I was 13? Did you really stand outside my delivery room door waiting for Drake to enter this world?

I often find myself thinking back to that day. The day you left this world. The day our lives were turned upside down. The day you never came back. I fight the anger, but it resides in me. I struggle with moments in time, the ones where I think you belong. I embrace the peace, because know you have it.

I miss you.